Fuck Christian Grey 27.02.15

An OpEd by William Control

With all of the controversy sounding the film adaptation of writer E.L. James’ best-selling book 50 Shades Of Grey, we thought we’d get an opinion on the movie from someone who knows his way around a dungeon. Electronic-rock maven/novelist William Control took us up on our offer to cover the price of his ticket and some popcorn in exchange for sharing his take on the libidinous phenomena that has the world enraptured, repulsed and possibly engorged. Be advised Mr. Control’s colorful opinions are very much his own: When 50 Shades opened on Valentine’s Day, most of us either stayed home or went to see Kingsman: The Secret Service instead.

The excitement eludes me, and the outrage seems misplaced. The sanctimonious, whining interpretation of this mild BDSM as a cover for domestic abuse is absurd. The notion this is a complete or accurate example of BDSM is shallow. But the fact that this story and these characters have aroused the minds of hundreds of millions of people, who either adore or abhor it, is absolutely the most interesting thing about Fifty Shades Of Grey.

To be fair, I never read the books, and have only seen the film, which was so excruciatingly boring that I walked out before it finished, completely disinterested with the will she or won’t she contract debacle. My impression is that this is incredibly soft-core BDSM erotica written by a woman with only Google knowledge of such relationships, but no personal experience to draw upon of her own. But maybe I’m wrong. She is British after all, and most of us know how the Brits live for kink.

What makes it most obvious that the author knows nothing firsthand about BDSM practitioners is that she makes a really common mistake and inappropriately connects the proclivity for such behavior to past abuse. Christian Grey’s rough start—born to an abusive crack whore and then subsequently introduced to BDSM by his mother’s friend, who turns him into a sub (“submissive”) at the tender age of 15—is given as the explanation for why he is this way. Give me a break.

It could be a contributing factor, sure. But in my experience, most people who are into BDSM do not engage in it because they want to act out or relive abuse. Some people probably do, but many people use it to challenge themselves physically, to gain control over their minds, bodies and emotions as an escape from the chaos of the real world. Some like it for the role-playing, others for the outfits. My cock simply throbs harder when she is in a full state of submission, the ropes are tied tightly and there’s blood and tears circulating in the air around us. BDSM attracts a broad spectrum of fetishists, and acceptance and consent are always paramount.

Do some people use the guise of BDSM as an excuse to abuse? Most definitely. But I would wager the percentage of people who misrepresent BDSM that way is much lower than the rates of domestic abuse found in the general, missionary-position population. A love of BDSM is not always caused by experiencing abuse and it is not necessarily a cover used to sanction violence.

In fact, Christian spends nearly the whole film politely requesting Anastasia’s consent, trust and devotion. This gesture is probably the most realistic portrayal of a BDSM relationship in the whole placid plotline.
In all honesty though, fuck Christian Grey! You have an exquisite collection of torture devices, restraints, and one of the coolest racks for stringing up your slave…and you call it a fucking “playroom” like you’re a 5-year-old? A playroom where you fucking tickle-torture your pet with a feather?

Where was the blood and sweat and tears? Where was the frightening crack of the bullwhip, the open wounds and the cries of pain as he peels the skin from her ass? Where was the beat of her heart in her ears as she slips in and out of consciousness while he chokes her? Where was her reward of multiple explosive orgasms? And where was the animal glint in his eyes as she finally drains his seed down the back of her throat?

Did that sting, Anastasia? Not nearly enough. Step aside Mr. Grey. Despite your extreme professionalism and immaculate collection of devices, you are apparently an amateur. Pain is Art my friend, I suppose that not everyone in this life is an artist. And Ms. Steele, my darling, men with money have been using lavish gifts to coax women into tolerating their mommy issues for ages. What he is asking of you is not that outlandish, and he will most certainly ply some other lovely woman if you don’t do his bidding. You could do a lot worse than putting up with his immature outbursts and taking a few snaps of that weak-ass riding crop.

Our deepest desires and wildly sought-after cravings for ultra-violence can be shared with the willing and able. These participants who practice in the lifestyle are plenty. Maybe you’re new and want to find out more about these things you feel hidden within your heart. Ask questions, there are answers to be found. Here’s a little piece of advice: Don’t Google search “Submissive” and expect a full picture of what that actually looks like, because the meaning and achievement of that role is quite different for everyone.

In short: if this film has exposed a few sexually repressed fans to a world they find enticing—fantastic. More mainstream interest in BDSM is bully for artists like me.

Now go buy my “Fuck Christian Grey” shirt. (LINK: alt

Sinfully yours,
William Control


William Control