09 Sep. 2013

To my old man, I love you forever. RIP


Crushed. The feeling of doom slides across the sky and I feel like someone is squeezing the life out of me. Breathing reduced to tiny shards of dust. I have to pull it together. I have a flight to get on soon.

 

Social networking is a peculiar beast. We update strangers with absurdly mundane details of our daily lives.  From complaints about our jobs, meals, and traffic to advice about dating and procreating, everyone is an expert, but does anyone care?

 

I update you with things I find interesting, tours or shows I am doing, music and books I am releasing, and the occasional rant about religion. It’s pretty typical stuff for a musician to be talking about. Rarely do I talk about my private life, my home, or my family. I think the separation provides me with a sense of normality. Which is something I so desperately crave when it comes to my private life. It’s something I need in order to feel sane. Most of you respect that. A few of you crazy obsessive ones don’t, but, I suppose that’s why they invented the “Block” button. Lucky for us all.

 

I am grateful that you let me have a private life, a world in which wiL Francis, Aiden or William Control do not exist. Where I am just a guy with a weird job that leaves town from time to time.

 

I suppose that sometimes, I let you in a little further than I should, just so that you know what is happening with me. Or maybe I do it because of the cathartic feeling it creates.  I don’t know. Does any one care really?

 

I received a call from my aunt this morning to let me know that my father passed away.

 

 

He has been battling for a long time. His first heart attack back in 2006 nearly killed him. While he was having open heart surgery he had a stroke that paralyzed his right side, making use of his arm non-existent. Since then it’s been a barrage of disasters, from amputating one of his legs, losing his condo to the depravity of the market and living in nursery home after nursery home. It seems like a string of bad luck, but somehow he was always able to see the bright side. I could never understand that about him.

 

Needless to say, it’s been a private battle, one I haven’t shared with the world. I suppose now that his death has occurred I need to let these demons out somehow.

 

So please, be patient with me.

 

This is the last letter that I wrote him a few days ago. I’m not sure if he read it or not.

 

 

*************************************************************************

 

Hey Dad,

 

 

Just wanted to send a quick update and let you know that I’m still in Europe. I finished producing that record for those “vampire kids” yesterday and I decided to jump on a train this morning to Paris to finish my new book! I can’t wait for you to read it. I know it’s not really your style, perhaps you’ll make an exception because I wrote it!. It’s much better than those CS Lewis books you like to shovel into your noggin. Ha!

 

It was really nice seeing you before I left. I always leave the nursing home saddened and with a heavy heart, like antique bricks in burlap sacks thrown over my shoulders. I wish I had the money to care for you properly. To hire a nurse with nice curves to give you sponge baths. I know you’d love that. I should have gone to college and became a lawyer or doctor, instead of an artist. Now I understand. I get it. I really do. I suppose things could always be worse though. Look on the bright side, you always tell me.

 

Have I ever told you how amazing it is that you remain such a jolly old bastard? Even in the face of total annihilation.

Heart attack? “No problem.”

Quadruple bypass surgery? “Bring me some bacon next time you come kid”.

A stroke that paralyzed half your body? “At least I have my other arm.”
Surgery to remove your leg? “I only need one to kick your ass with.”

 

What a champ you are. I would have fallen apart years ago.

 

I know I spend a majority of my time out on tour and traveling around while you sit around watching bad re-runs of Miami Vice but hey, at least you’re not digging ditches right?!  If anybody heard the way you and I speak to each other about disabilities they would shit their pants. I suppose since you have carte blanche to do such, being that you’re in a wheelchair with only one good leg, (I think). Did you ever hear back from the doctor? Are you going to be able to keep the toes on your good foot?

 

Remember when they took the leg with the gangrene, you told me that the only prosthetic you would ever wear, would be one made from an elephant tusk. I laughed for a week about that.

 

Phineas has been asking about you. “Can we go see Grandpa Jeff with the robot leg?” He thinks it’s so cool. I tell him that you’re part Transformer and the glow of excitement that washes over his perfect face is priceless. What a magnificent boy he is. I catch myself, sometimes, just staring at him while he plays with his trains, wondering with intense magnification how I created such a work of art. Truly, he is my greatest creation. Everything else pales in comparison.

 

Well I should get going, I know Don Johnson and company have some crime to solve and hair to fluff up and I wouldn’t want to take time away from that spectacular display of 80’s brilliance.

 

I’m going to be home on the 2nd, around 10pm. We’ll probably come up and see you the next day. If you want me to sneak you any cookies or anything just ring the bat phone and use the coded message we came up it. “Celery” Wink Wink.

 

Now I’m off, into the marvelous history of the old world that surrounds me.

Take Care

I love you

W.

 

*************************************************************************

Hold the ones you love close. Don’t let the clock of life run out before you tell these cherished people that you respect them, that you adore them. For when the nasty hand of time strikes, and the gloom of death drags us into the dust of eternity, we should know in our hearts, that the love and admiration of a thousand roman soldiers is there to carry us through to the end of this magnificent journey.



  • Jessica Ward

    I’m so sorry William. My thoughts are with you and your family. Much love.

  • Andrea Probert

    I’m so so sorry Will. I can’t begin to imagine how much it hurts. And, thanks for sharing with us all too. I hope you know we have your back. Andi x

  • Lianna Champeau

    I honestly wish there was something we, the fan base, could do for you during this time. I’m sending love and suppprt from Southern California.

  • Renee Perry

    I know these words aren’t going to help, as you’ll hear them countless times, but I am deeply sorry for your loss. I lost both of my parents about 5 years ago. My dad was my best friend and I thought I’d never survive without him. I wanted to give up on life but the only thing that saved me was you. You are an amazing human being who has overcome a difficult past and I realized, if he can do it, so can I. People lie when they say it will get better, because it doesn’t. It just gets a little easier to survive every day. Be strong, your son needs you, this is hard for him too.

  • Jen Hooper

    Your father must have been very proud of you. Our thoughts are with you tonight. Hold your family close love. ♥xx

  • omi_monstar

    I don’t know whether to thank you for showing us this vignette into your private life, or wishing that I didn’t read it. Part of me always hopes for my favorite artists to remain on the surface as their creations. But I know that cannot be, because you are human. You are not a perfect placid picture, but a boy, a man, a father, who has just lost their father. To answer your question, does anyone really care? Maybe, maybe not, but through the human condition, our personal experiences resonate with each other, and hopefully we realize the depth of the tragedy. Your letter to your father is so full of love, it was difficult to read. I hope you take solice in your family and loved ones, take as long as you need.

  • vickym

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have recently lost both my Grandparents within the space of just four small months, and days after that their dog that we cared for whilst they were in care/hospital. We have all taken it hard not least of all my Father, who now has no parents left. “Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.” I wish you and your family well during this difficult time. Love Vicky x

  • Jamie Holbrook

    Although it is not nearly enough, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your father will be in my prayers. I hope that you will find peace with happy memories that you can pass on to Phineas. And I will keep your father in my thoughts as he begins his next journey. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your private life at this most difficult time.

  • Rebecca Martinez

    Thank you for sharing. My Dad passed away last year and he went through similar scenarios. I wished the same thing about his care. All I can say with time it gets better. Our Dads will always be missed.

  • Katherine

    It’s always sad to hear about someone’s loss, about someone passing
    away. I’m really sorry. But what I wanted to say is “Thank you”. Thank
    you for those words. And thank you for sharing. Hard to explain, but these word express exactly what I had to feel and go through few years ago in the same situation. Thank you for being able to put it all in words. It means a lot.

  • Angelica Ruiz

    I’m very sorry for your loss Wil. Thank you so much for sharing this. I know this has to be hard. I know you are strong Wil and through your music you and everyone can get through anything. My thoughts are with you.

  • Monroe Tirgg

    Sorry man I know how it feels to lose your dad

  • Shaina Havier

    I’m sorry Wil , thank you for sharing the info with us. This has touched my heart. But i do care , i care that you lost your father. But you must be strong i know his looking at you now , thinking i raised an amazing son. He very proud that you saved so many lives especially mines. Even though i didn’t know your father personally. I bet he was an amazing person. His wonderful for rasing such an amazing son. I thank your father for that. This just didn’t effect you. It effect your fans also. You see Wil , we do care. And we feel your pain. I’m so sorry for your lost Mr.Control. i know words can’t explain my pain i feel for you. But i do care. I hope you do not be upset. Be happy ’cause your amazing guy like him. I wish you well. I’m sorry for your lost. We will be greevig this lost with you, but we’ll live on for him. ♥
    I do care ♡
    Rest in peace Jeff Francis, we’ll live on for you ♥

  • Megan Winter Moffitt

    I am so, so, so sorry, William. I know that there is really nothing that my words can do for you at a time like this, except, hopefully, to reassure you that people do genuinely care about you. You absolutely deserve to have a private life, but when you do share things like this with us, we hurt right along with you. Or, like when your son was born, we rejoice with you. You are important to us as an artist, yes, but even more so as a human being. So, while I respect your privacy and want you to have it, trust me when I say that, whenever you do share something personal, hundreds of hearts will be open to you. Rest in peace to your father, and may you find comfort in your loving memories of him.

  • Guest

    Thanks wil, really thanks for sharing us a big piece of you heart. I’m sorry for your lost, take to your dad always with you in your heart. People never die if we never leave to remember them♥

  • La Niña Del Bote

    Thanks wil, really thanks for sharing us a big piece of you heart. I’m sorry for your lost, take to your dad always with you in your heart. People never die if we never leave to remember them, I do this since i was 14 years old, for than my dad never die for me, he’s always there when the wind is cold and caresses me

    Stay Strong, we are with you always♥

  • Samantha Freeman

    William, I know you don’t know me, I was once lucky enough to attend one of your live shows, one of the best gigs I ever went to. I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss, I understand a little, as my own father is currently battling cancer for the second time and although he has recently rallied a little bit, he is still a very poorly old man. I have been trying to prepare myself for the fact that I probably won’t have him for an awful lot longer. So I know what you mean about holding the ones you love close. Now when I visit I make sure I tell him I love him, I kiss him and hold his hand, because I don’t know when the last time will be. I will be thinking of you today, I’m sure your dad knew how much you loved him, and I’m sure he was proud of the man you are today.

  • Archer Sierra

    Will, I left my condolences on your Instagram and then decided to read this blog post with my daughter. When I read that your father had to have his leg amputated, I burst into tears. In 2003, I told ABC to shove their job because after camping out for weeks in the hospital with my mother, my vacation time ran out. I knew when she became sick, there was nowhere else on earth I should be but by her side. As my mothers power of attorney, the day came when I had to sign off on a surgery to amputate both of her legs. It made me sick to my stomach.

    My mother, too, had been sick for a long time with Diabetes which eventually caused kidney failure.

    I was hell on wheels until I became a mom in my mid twenties. It caused much grief between my mother and I, but by the time she passed, she was my best friend. Much of our hospital time was spent with me reading to her, since she had lost her eye sight, she couldn’t read her beloved books. A week before her passing, I came with a stack of some of her favorite romance novels, westerns, and Sherlock Holmes. I asked her what she wanted me to read to her and she replied with wanting me to read her the book of poems that I had been adding to for over a decade, and replied with how much she loved the poems. I was taken back, because my creative endeavors until that point had been a topic that wasn’t discussed at the holiday table. Since giving up my studies as a cardiac radiologist for a full scholarship to acting school at 18.

    This year is the tenth anniversary of her passing, I ePublished the book of poetry that I read to her and dedicated to her. I always struggled with my parents for choosing the gypsy life of an artists too. My life always seems to be either feast of famine. But, after a lifetime of thinking my mother was somehow disappointed in me, in her last days she shared that she always dreamed of traveling, acting, and writing…the vagabond lifestyle I adopted, and that she always lived through my adventures.

    Will, you may not have gone to college or be a wealthy doctor/lawyer, but you have the same wealth that I do…feeding the inner artist and feeling the satisfaction of a completed project. Our parents feel pride for us in our accomplishments, just like we do for our children’s accomplishments. Big or little, they are all wonderful. Besides, I know alot of wealthy people chained to their “great” jobs that never have time to vacation. Look how many times you have been to London…Paris? You see wonderful places that some only can dream about. I bet your father was unbelievably proud of your artistic achievements. Hang in there, have a good cry, and time will heal the rest.

    I am a very private person too, so sharing this in your blog in a rarity. However, I somehow feel that sharing has had a healing quality to it. Take care of yourself. You have all of my positive thoughts today. Adieu

  • Kirsten Cromedy

    Will My love, I love you and I hope you feel better. He will always be there to joke and to smile with. Fuck that death shit! Live for him and yourself and your child! <3

  • Jessica

    William, we do listen and we do care. My condolences to you and your family.
    as a fan its nice to hear from you
    we are only human. I hope you feel better soon. much love and good vibes your way
    Greetings from L.A

  • http://facebook.com/lovealkalinetrio Jackie Macias

    I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you are feeling better. It’s a wonderful thing to have such a positive person in your life because without them, the days seem much longer and colder. It’s hard to lose someone you care about so very much, but it’s the time we spent with them that makes us hurt a little less. You may think I’m out of my mind, but you visited me in a dream last night. You were running around, causing mischief, as if you were a teenager, without a care in the world. I have faith you will be happy again, soon. I hope your ache you feel in your heart lifts a little each day. Take care.

    Love Always,

    Jackie Macias

  • Twiggy McTyre

    William, I’m sorry for your loss.. My thoughts are with you.. I just recently lost the only grandpa I’ve ever known, and I loved him very very much. You always have my full fledged support. Thank you for sharing such a personal thing

  • Ari

    Stay strong wiL. We all love you.

  • Andrea

    Cant imagine your pain, but its the memories you will cling to…

  • Susan Jones

    I missed this post somehow…and I just want to offer my sincere condolences to you. Reading your last letter to your father, brought me back to a dark place when I lost my mother…I know your father must be extremly proud of you, watching every show with admiration.

  • Melanie Ramirez

    I am so sorry to read this so late, but I didn’t have my own laptop until recently. I want to offer my sincere apologies. I to lost someone who was very dear to me recently. Guilt washes over me because time split us apart and it took death to realize how much I still loved this person. You are a very inspiring artist and hopefully art will help you heal, as it has helped me.
    <3

  • Melanie Judd

    I’m reading this a little late and in the midst of losing my God Daughter who was about to turn 8years old on Dec 27th she had been battling leukemia since she was 3 and today news of a long time friend having breast cancer at 35yrs old was reveled today. I can only imagine what you and your son were going through at this time. My father inlaw passed away almost two years ago and that was hard. That letter to your dad was wonderful and if he saw it I’m sure he enjoyed reading it